murkrows: (Yukari.)
Archer, the ᴀʀᴄʜᴇsᴛ of ᴀʀᴄʜᴇʀs! ✩ ([personal profile] murkrows) wrote on July 22nd, 2014 at 04:06 pm
Hi everyone, I'm here to vent, because that's what journals are good for. So as some of you may know, I'm seventeen. Going to college next year. In a program at my high school that lets me take courses at the local college, for credits, without paying anything. ...And I haven't passed the written portion of my driver's test. Most people pass that test when they're sixteen, in sophomore year, spend six months in driving lessons, pass the road test, drive fine for a year, and then they're good for a full license. Except... I just. Didn't try for the driver's test again. I failed by four points (the passing grade was 80), and that was from not studying at all the night before -- there were other things out of my control happening that night, and they leave a bad taste in my mouth to this day.

Such a bad taste, in fact, that I've been avoiding them for a full year. I couldn't avoid them much longer, and I knew this, so I studied as much as I could and went to the DMV again.

What a clusterfuck.

Everyone knows that the DMV is terrifying anyway, especially for someone who's never been in there before. I was no different. Except I had the privilege of going there with someone who knew jack-all about how the place worked, sucked at giving directions, got up in my grill, and stressed me out majorly -- in case I wasn't stressed out before. This person was my mother. So after following her shitty instructions and getting absolutely nowhere, while declaring to the whole DMV that I still depend on my wee mommy to do shit for me (which isn't quite true; it's more like "my wee mommy does shit for me without me asking or wanting her help"), I finally got into the goddamn test seat. And misunderstood the directions. And got a 14 or something. The people there were really nice about it, but I think they kind of looked down on me because I honestly could not think straight in that hellish place. Like, I can feel myself wanting to cry just thinking about it.

And then, as the cherry on the bullshit cake, I explained to my mom how I appreciated her trying to help, but she was actually getting in the way, making me look bad, and stressing me out. Her response?

...Well, it wasn't an apology, that's for sure. I can legitimately not think of a single point in my life where my mom gave an apology and sounded genuine. No, what she said was, "Well, next time I won't take you, and obviously that will fix all your problems!" Uh, yeah, no. That wasn't the point. The point was that I wanted her to acknowledge and apologise for being a certified pain in the ass, and she pointedly refused to do it. It was like arguing with a bar of soap, if that makes any sense; she was literally slipping all over the place, putting blame on everyone who wasn't herself (particularly my dad, because she is convinced that my dad is a genuine asshole who is soooo mean to her for no reason -- which he's not). I could not get any hook in that conversation. She refused to listen to anything that put her in a light other than "poor, well-meaning victim". Hell, at one point I said that we were both to blame for the whole thing, just to see if that would get her to acknowledge her part; her response was to argue about her part in the blame, and completely ignore mine, as if I was totally at fault for getting extremely anxious doing something new/scary and reacting badly to her shitty "help".

I still think I'm kind of at fault. For paying attention to her in the first place and not ignoring her like a sensible person. But unfortunately, when it comes to my parents, I've never been terribly good at that. I feel like an asshole. And I know part of that is from what they taught me; my mom is perfectly happy to control the entire family and drive us all into a ditch, without knowing what she did wrong, and yet I still feel bad when I don't listen to her. Even though she gives inaccurate advice 95% of the time, believes in indigo children and every horrible, poisonous part of the new age subculture (I can write an entire post on how shitty these people are), and has been mistaken for a stoner when she has never done drugs in her life. I wish I was joking. And the worst part is, now that I think about it, I can see her acting like she's stoned almost all the time.

So, uh, here I am. Conflicted about my feelings towards my parents, going into senior year in a month and a half, and not legally allowed to even practice driving a car. Probably unable to drive a car, too, because I get really anxious when I think about it.

Also, my Sims game corrupted last night. I'm hoping I can get all my saves back. Because if I can't, then I will seriously lose my shit -- I do not have the patience for EA's crappy game design right now.
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